There are structures in life that keep us silenced, separated from ourselves and disconnected from our true self. One such structure is what I refer to as the “Good Girl” Syndrome. Although this structure can look noble on the outside, it is a troublesome little structure that maneuvers around the enormous elephant in the room.
This seemingly noble "Good Girl" persona is fueled through mixed messages, fear and the need to be loved. The trade off for the prize of love causes a disconnection from one's true personhood. The sad truth is: the means always outweighs the payoff. Prostituting of oneself keeps the "Good Girl" in captivity.
Here are the 5 myths "Good Girls" fall for in believing "Good Girl" behavior will earn them love.
1. I Won’t Make Waves
If I don’t make waves I will be loved and accepted. The truth is if you are only loved because you are invisible you aren’t being loved. If you have to keep small, keep quiet, or placate and comply consistently to keep the peace, what you are doing is not associated with true peace or harmony in any way! This is considered playing small. Live and play big or go home!
2. I’ll Live with an Outward Focus Rather than Inward Focus
If I measure my actions based on what others expect of me or how they react to me (become a human thermometer) I can control my world. "Good Girls" are the top micro-managers. In an attempt to control their world, they avoid facing their ego-driven existence and trade-off for their true self. This coping method is formulated in early childhood and will eventually lead to burnout. We don’t have the ability to control the world or those in it, but we do have the power to control our reactions. Decisively choose how will you allow others to affect you or engage with you, as well as how you engage with the world.
3. I’ll Give Everyone Else the Benefit of the Doubt
The myth that authority figures should be protected no matter what keeps the "Good Girl" living as a victim and sets up abuse, or unhealthy relationships with those she gives her power to. This keeps the "Good Girl" fixing, care-taking, and giving everyone else the benefit of the doubt. While making what appear to be heroic concession for others “shortcomings” she abdicates her own life and power. Taking responsibility for your life puts and end to the victim trap.
4. I Must Sacrifice My Life for the Good of Others
By focusing on everyone else I will be offering a great service and gift to the world. The truth is focusing on everyone else is an excuse "Good Girls" use so they don’t have to pay attention to or take responsibility for their own needs, desires, choices, or fears. This is the way "Good Girls" put off and defer their life to others, unwilling to take responsibility for what they truly want. Being a living martyr is old school! Abdicating one's life is not the same as giving it away. Claim your personal power. Make intentional choices about what you want and what you believe. Activate personal ownership.
5. I Will Please
When others are happy with me I find a sense of wellbeing and a sense of myself. This is a terrible myth. You never find yourself through someone else, or your own powerlessness. You find your identity by owning your uniqueness and by knowing that the one who created you unequivocally loves you. Pleasing others to gain approval is a sign of disloyalty to oneself. This kind of personal betrayal is hurtful and the most painful betrayal of all. Let go of the need to please for the perceived payoff it brings. Stand up on the inside and love yourself first! Claim your power!
These top 5 ingredients make a toxic cocktail that "Good Girls" drink!
Acknowledgement is the first step to healing. Then practice being kinder than you’ve ever been to yourself. Put off all outer service and commotion for a season to abstain from performance and duty. Take good care of the "Good Girl" so you can let go of the illusion, come home to your true self and get untamed!
If you would like a complementary coaching session to purse the possibilities in your life, contact me at: Kimber@moxieme.com