Do you ever feel like the climb is too steep and you can’t make it up the hill? Do you ever feel like your reserve is depleted and you can’t push yourself to fall in line and behave one more time? That’s how I am feeling.
I’m parting ways with the idea that “good girls don’t throw tantrums” for need of throwing a majorly over due fit.
Swallowing the Big Pill
The last four years of transition finally hit me in the face, as if my adrenals stopped in their tracks and posted a “depleted” sign. My back and ovaries are hurting and I can’t get in to see the doc until next week, the potential of another move is more than I can even began to muster strength for and the list of today’s errands alone are overwhelming, Hootsuite is exasperating me by interfering with my posting regime and my usual Pollyanna perspective has gone missing in action.
Why am I telling you this when it would so much easier to keep these feeling locked down and out of sight, while letting you think that I never struggle because my inner world is as tidy as my outer world may appear? The truth is we all have days like this, sometimes even weeks and years when something unplanned arrives at our door, such as sickness, job loss, betrayal, or mayhem in the lives of those we love and somehow we have to learn a new way of living.
I confess the last four years have been a period of consistent readjustments, learning to hold things loosely and to find the beauty in each new moment and new day. I’ve uncovered some deep-seated built -in coping mechanisms I learned as a child to cope adjust to change. I’ve seen some of my tidy housekeeping methods for life and pain betray me by inconveniently unraveling and spilling out all over the floor. I’ve grown; taken some ground and I’ve surrendered some too.
How about you? Have you been prone to feel-good-quick-fixes because they seem convenient in the moment even though they eventually result in long layovers? Are you experiencing a layover as a result of early childhood quick-fix decisions to stow away ill felt feelings?
Express what’s real or it will surface defiantly
A wise woman once said, “every unexpressed emotion comes out sideways,” so today I’m giving my emotions a chance to stand up and represent. Today I am acknowledging what I’m feeling without judgment of right or wrong, without looking to be fixed and with acceptance that my perception may or may not be accurate. Today I’ve decided to have a hissy fit, throw a big one and whine a lot, so tomorrow I can move on and choose how I will shift my perspective of playing the game of life.
- I don’t like being out of control and feeling like I’m dangling from the end of a rope while being whipped to and fro.
- I don’t like feeling unsettled, uprooted and not knowing where I will land and if I will land.
- I don’t like feeling that I’ve been sending messages and they don’t seem to be getting through.
- I don’t like that I’ve fought hard, given up, laid down, and surrendered again, but still feel stranded out at sea.
- I don’t like that I’m crying out, throwing down and having a tantrum like a baby and it doesn’t look pretty.
How are you at giving yourself permission for a tantrum, meltdown or hissy fit?