Hope Vehicles Are Delivering!

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When I heard the question being posed in my spirit, “What does the 2016 model look like?” Those that know me well know that I have a love for banged up old vintage pickup trucks. Some girls dream of new vehicles, yet for years I’ve dreamt of old pickup trucks that show the wear of time to match my eclectic high heel and blue jeans, city streets and country dirt roads life. Needless to say, I was intrigued having never been the type to keep up with the annual trend in vehicles. 

 

I love to eclectically blend the old with the new. I always have. Maybe it began in high school with my preference of vintage coats or my family’s creative bent and love for beautiful décor and design, but suddenly this bent seemed to be highlighting volumes to me.

 

The New Model

I knew hearing a question like that was for my benefit more than God seeking an answer to a question He already fully understood. I also knew it wasn’t an invitation to move into striving mode, to draw up a five year action plan for my “make it happen” personality type. If I’ve learned anything through this long season of transition, it's been sitting with the question and responding with, “YOU tell me, what does the 2016 model of Kimber look like?” and then inquiring together around the truest version of this year’s vehicle, usually a blend of some of the old original material and new design. That also means taking notice when my heart is resonating at its highest points.

 

As I've inquired and we’ve chatted, bit-by-bit, a spark of understanding has begun to light. As I’ve been willing to listen and learn to flow with the river, rather than force it, I’ve learned to let go of ill-fitting forms of transportation. I’ve become better equipped with a way of transportation initiated by spirit and inside out living, rather than self-will and ego. And even though my vehicle has been parked in storage for a time, I’ve sensed the engines being fired again and the gas to fuel the vehicle growing in power that is not self-made.

 

World Wide Delivery 

This conversation began even prior to this question when my attention had been directed to the messages on passing trucks. As if there was a flashing light leading me, I was astounded to read, “God transportation,” “Fire Protection, safe guarding lives and property,” “United Parcel Service, world wide delivery, pickups, synthesizing the world..." As the conversation continued, I noticed a theme around parceling out packages.

 

And then the funniest thing began to happen, every time I ventured out in the morning, often at varying hours, I would see a parade of UPS trucks. The first morning there were four and the next time five and the most recent parade included twelve trucks!

 

I became giddy with anticipation around awareness of the abundance of gifts that have been parceled out and are ready for worldwide distribution. And like every child awaiting Christmas the excitement has been growing around the resurgence of seemingly dead dreams, dreams that have been set aside, buried and forgotten. There are an abundance of gifts and packages in route for delivery and those that thought they'd missed it, but have given themselves to a season of rest, listening and receiving, instead of striving, are about to receive new directives that might just include a little bit of the old dream, too!

 

The wait has felt long, but it has been a needful time of preparation. Now it’s time to allow the dust of disappointment to be blown away and to embrace the hope of what is to come as delivery has been set in motion. Even when the world seems hopeless and overshadowed with darkness there have been good gifts stored up within you! Vehicles (you and me) are being prepped and fueled for the road with a promise of delivery parceled out for the benefit of others. 

 

This is a time to be on the look out for the true-new vehicle that you are in this season, the one that has been made road worthy and laden with gifts for delivery! This is a time for the hope carries to arise with their packages of joy!

Day 1-Infusion, 30 Days of Creative Expression & A New Way of Being

Infused in a love state of beingToday I begin my thirty-day challenge: 30 Days of Creative Expression. I hope you will follow along and play as I daily post my art journaling images and thoughts for the day. My goal is to create a conversation and collaborative effort. I invite you to follow along, journaling with me in your own unique way around the theme that I am discussing for the day. You can read more about this here http://moxieme.com/i-suck-at-asking-for-help/

Many people are launching into the New Year with resolutions and goals. However, I like to think of a new beginning as a new way of being, not merely doing.

When we merely focus on action steps and outer standards while ignoring our inner being we will find that we are out of alignment and rattled with incongruence; confusion; lack of clarity; lack of fulfillment; and all manner of shifting sand.

It seems we have it backwards. What if we flipped this around and lived from the inside out by focusing on our inner climate and way of being prior to focusing outwardly. This is the ultimate realignment that will manifest in a new way of being. In this way our circumstances will not dictate our well-being, but our way of being will alter our circumstances.

This year, I will continue to invest in the quality of soil my life is being built upon and continue supporting others in the same manner. There’s simply no comparison in the fruit that’s yielded from rich soil, reflected through state of being-love, joy, peace, gratitude, compassion, inspiration, hope, clarity, inner faith and insight.

The thought and word I am pondering today for the art journaling image posted here is from Lance Secretan's SPIRIT@WORK ® Card: Infusion.

Lance Secretan said, "Most business organizations and not-for-profit institutions have "Programs." But it's not programs we need. We don't  have a "Sunset Appreciation Program" - instead, we sit in a sacred place and experience a sunset, and in this way, it infuses us with spirit. Programs intrude, an experience infuses."

How do you plan to nurture and invest in your state of being to experience an inner infusion of love, joy, peace, gratitude, etc.? How will you incorporate the word "Infusion" into your day? I'd love to hear your thoughts and have you join the conversation!

Are You Doing Church?

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It definitely felt like an over share. You know those times you feel exposed, raw and regret what you said and wish you could take it back? Brene Brown calls it a “vulnerability hangover!”

I think my over share was a part of me that I had tried to ignore  that was screaming to be heard, so I wouldn’t squeeze myself in one more time “to play nice and make friends.” 

So I blurted out that going to church made me feel like a prostitute. There was a trade off for a service, show up, act appropriately and receive the non-relational pat on the head and group acceptance for performing adequately.

I further explained about the deep pain I felt when I opened myself up intimately and deeply during worship to have no contact with others, or real connection. Then I'd have to pick myself up, clean myself off and go home with the lingering affects that remained throughout the week until I did it again the following Sunday. 

Once I mentioned this concern about lack of relationship in church to a woman whose response was, "I've learned to accept it and move on years ago." I thought to myself, "Why do I have to accept this? I can't accept it. Its killing me!"

I feel life deeply. I see life in pictures and allegories, so often something as simple as a tragic movie plot can take me weeks to rebound from. I am empathic. I've always been this way though I’ve tried to bury, shelve and disassociate with this part of myself. The truth is this tendency is tender, beautiful and perceptive. Why would I reject this to merely fit in?

Although this intense sensory knack has existed from childhood, it wasn't until my early twenties that I first became aware of it. My husband Bill and I stopped to pick up a friend of Bill’s I’d I never met.  As soon as he got in the car my heart started breaking. I’d never felt such deep and sudden pain. I knew it wasn’t my pain, so I blurted out, “My heart is breaking and I don’t know why!" The passenger immediately yelled out, “It’s me! It’s me! I just bought a pound of pot and I shouldn’t have! You’re heart is breaking because of me!”

I've often wished that I came with an operating manual, but that would eliminate the very thing I am set up for: RELATIONSHIP! You and I are made for relationship, relationship with God and each other. Its a life long journey of learning how to understand our inner world and relationships beyond textbook theology and "how to's."

So when I over shared it was as if my insides where screaming, “Listen to me! It’s killing me to be in another setting where the focus is about  an agenda and not relationship, about doing and not being. You are spreading your legs one more time for a payoff, to be loved and liked. You shouldn’t have to work to be loved!”

It hit me square in the face. I was a working girl and my own John at the same time! I continued to send myself out looking for love, pulling up my skirt and coming home alone.

Sad. Humiliating. Embarrassing. Nevertheless, what happened was this:

  • I began to own it and I began to get free.
  • I began to stop working and started loving myself whole.
  • I began to stop busying myself to avoid feeling (like so many do.)
  • I began to comprehend that there was no separation from the love of God, period!
  • I began to let go of space holders, not chasing after anyone's love, but leaving space for the real thing.
  • I began to value myself even if others couldn’t.
  • I began to set boundaries and not let others trudge through my heart.
  • I began to have relationships where I didn't have to perform and I wasn't harmed.
  • I began to define church differently: relationally; a meal; lives shared; conversation and trust.
  • I began to comprehend being the church and not doing the church!

Are you giving yourself permission to love yourself and be well-loved in return?

If this resonated with you and you'd like help creating a healthier life, contact me for a complementary coaching session via teleconferencing to discover what coaching could do for you. Only those seriously interested in coaching apply. Email me at: kimber@moxieme.com

 

I'm In Recovery!

ID-10080991Can I tell you a little secret? I cringe when someone finishes a sentence with an exclamation mark like, “amen!” I cannot stomach Christianese! It immediately makes me feel the need to run for the door, because I smell inauthenticity like day old lobster. I question the rhetoric and parroting. The real person seems to be missing and lacks a clear sense of who they truly are. Although I am learning to see past the camouflage to the person, it’s so close to home that it still causes me to spin, like a sober drunk in a room of drinkers.

I confess I'm in recovery. I’m in recovery from institutional religion. Are you wondering what I’m talking about? I’m talking about trying to mash myself into a misshaped cookie cutter image, rather than be who I am. I am in recovery from a groupthink culture that was slowing killing me, a culture of performance, judgment, striving and preferring ritual above relationship.freedigitalphotos.net

The topic of missing identity that I often write about is real. It’s my story and sadly why much of my thirty-year experience with church culture has felt like a miss hit of smashing my thumb with a hammer. I will be talking more about this in future posts.

Why did it take so long? Why was I trying to be the “good girl” and please so hard? This is what you do if you were the lost child that became the family hero to survive the anguish and emotional abuse of a mom with mental illness. It was in letting go of the ghosts and those that couldn’t bring themselves to make the journey with me that I’ve gotten free. It’s in claiming my true God-image identity that sprung the cage door.

In my journey I’ve stumbled right into a grace encounter, transformation and expansiveness beyond a box sized God into a God that existed before the American church culture’s definition of who God is and who I’m supposed to be. I’ve learned to honor and listen to my inner GPS that signals when I’m betraying myself. I’ve taken up the challenge of vulnerability and authenticity instead of settling for a counterfeit of God, or myself.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAJesus loves me, I love him and much of the rest I leave dangling in the realm of unknowing. I choose to pass on pontificating as best I can. I hope to see and love individuals beyond ego driven, polarizing issues that separate into black and white, either or, as I am learning to live beyond the tightrope of performance. I love my friends that are gay, Buddhist, Hindu and lots of other things. 

Hear this: I am not blaming anyone for my lack of clarity around my identity, or my familiar pull to environments that were unhealthy for me. This is the very journey that led me home to myself. The crazy mixed up way that I got here, the story that reads like a Broadway play matters little (although I can imagine wonderful song and dance numbers that would fit with the movie, Saved!)

The fact that I finally found my path and my way out of the matrix of confusion is the reason I help other women claim their voice, their authentic self and their unique God relationship too.

I don’t mean to offend you, but trying not to offend has kept me small. Trying not to offend kept me on the fence, living incongruently, dishonestly, and inauthentically. Being careful to speak only “what builds up” to be silent when I was told to “keep quiet” kept me controlled and living in decline and demoralization. Now days, I am learning to give myself permission to speak things that don’t always build up, because that’s authentic and something’s need to be torn down before building can begin. That’s what getting untamed means.  It’s about risk and courage to face the gap and not shut the door in fear to those that see the world differently. I’m not writing this for debate, or needing to be right, but needing to be real (although I wouldn't mind a little cheering for standing up in my life in a greater measure.)

Heaven on earth 1I choose to live life as an act of worship and today I choose to invest in relationships over meetings and to be my part in the church all around me. I am not tearing down what you may love and thrive in. There are some awesome church expressions out there, but the truth is church is not a building, or a meeting. You in fact might be someone who sees the faith relationship differently too. This is important to say, because I am learning to care and nurture myself. Warning, please don't post a bunch of Christianese on my page or I will have to delete you! :)

Your struggle may not be with the church. It might be your family dynamics (isn’t that where it all starts anyway?) or a work environment that keeps you peddling faster and faster until you’ve peddled right over yourself. Maybe you understood long ago that the struggle was within yourself and you’ve never tried to please, but abdicated your life anyway. Maybe you’re in transition and you want to start recreating your life again.

You are not late, but right on time to start investing in yourself. The place to start is in loving yourself first.

Maybe you know that this is your time, time to invest in the only life you have! If so here are some ways to begin expanding and investing in yourself.

  • Read the following authors who write about the illusion of ego and faith: Richard Rohr books, New Seeds of Contemplation by Thomas Merton, Jim Palmer books, The Cloud of Unknowing by Elizabeth Obbard
  • Read Untamed Heart, Releasing Your Creative Genius, by me :)
  • Read Daring Greatly, Brene Brown
  • Register for my 12 Week Online Program, Untamed Joy! Discover tools to claim your voice, your identity and your joy!
  • Contact me to find out about 1-on-1 coaching @kimber@moxieme.com