I read the words, “…for those of us who have learned to keep secrets from ourselves and others” and stopped dead in my tracks mid sentence. This little slap of reality put words to the gap of incongruence I saw in other’s words and actions and the same incongruence I found in myself.
Like the time I recognized my words committing to take me in a direction that my body refused to go, digging my heels in so not to be moved. That secret incongruence popped its head above the recesses where it hid as if to say “Let go of the rope! You don’t have to keep that dead thing buoyant any longer. Let go of the rope! The world nor this relationship is yours to keep afloat.”
I'm learning to let go of the duty and right doing for rights-sake. I’m finding the rhythm of grace instead of the hard driving rhythm a “good girl” is taught to follow.
I'm recognizing the truth that lay hidden beneath the floorboards of what I’ve really felt and believed, as the easy breeze of grace relieves the lie that kept me, like so many others working hard to please. The amazing thing is that many never awaken to their inner incongruences and keep their hands taut on the rope, working hard to make things happen through sheer will.
I find it heart breaking that part of me was willing to drag the dead carcass of “what was” rather than face the freeing reality of letting go. Thankfully the Spirit within me refused to show up to that same old song and dance and coaxed me free.
It always feels odd to step out of an old worn behavior. It felt odd to let go of the rope of "self-will and fixing" I’d been holding up my entire life, but it also feels amazingly good. So good that something in me wants to celebrate my awakening from the degradation of duty and all the relational and spiritual trappings that had self-righteously convinced me of their nobility.
Newly discovered incongruences sometimes take time to work their way out of the body, lingering through familiar habits. Certainly I’ve had a lifetime of discovering them. But the sweet kiss of grace has blown out the cobwebs proclaiming; “You need not strive to be the “good girl” when you’ve been pronounced good so long ago.
Simply let go of the rope and receive.”