Sometimes it’s a long road to one's heart. You think you see your heart and are living from your beauty only to discover it’s only partially lit. The heart is the journey and one day or another we will all be challenged to recognize and become fully acquainted with her.
This is no drive through acquisition, no lunch hour fix. This is the push and pull and tearing of colliding worlds. The loudest or most demanding make think they have a leg up, but they never win. Vibrato and ego is no match for the heart. She will only speak to those listening, who cease striving and who will enter into rest.
I am in a season when I am returning to my heart, recognizing that something had died and needed to be reawakened, realizing that I couldn’t sing and I’ve always sung.
Disappointment forged walls of protection that I wasn’t even aware were there. Yet, as I’ve given my heart attention, I marvel to see the unhinging and unbolting of the beams that held up those walls, those grabs for non-sustaining joy. That’s why I took this year off, and why I am just now beginning to hear what my heart is telling me.
Last night I had a dream about a beautiful pastors wife, lovely in every way. I’ve often thought how I did not envy her position and imagined her reticence of one more person tugging at her, and taking from her. Hearts grow weary from that kind of wear.
In the dream she was showing me a drawer filled with her beautiful jewelry collection. I noticed however, that amidst the few fine pieces of jewelry there were many imitations and cheap trinkets. This surprised me.
When I woke up I realized how much we all resemble this woman. We possess beauty, but we also smear on makeup, and in many ways fill our lives with cheap imitations. We betray our heart every time we fill our internal drawer with them.
Whether we over expose our heart and dash to make adjustments, pull back and cover up, wall her in when she wants out, banish her, put her in awkward situations where she is not honored, dance a jig, bow to tradition and rituals, or ideas that leave her empty, all she really wants is relationship and love. We know very little about caring for her, and so we often try to satisfy her with cheap imitations of the real thing.
Ego strives to fill up, while the heart remains empty. She is the one calling out, “ego will never satisfy you!” She groans. I feel her groaning and I am listening.
She is the one that knows the truth if we will be still long enough to listen. Walls will come down, new pathways will emerge and the sense of singing will begin to reawaken, as we cease to betray her with imitations of real love.